Breathe

I just wrote an entry about how life sucks sometimes and it's ok to not pretend to be happy all the time. I rambled on about how there are times when you're sad and scared and hurt and sick and tired, sometimes all at the same time.

And then I re-read it and realized I didn't like what I was reading. I didn't like hearing that negativity coming out of my words, and I deleted it. Yes, there are times to be all those things, it's inevitable. This is real life, and sometimes, it's really hard. You wish for things you can't have and cry over those that are out of your control. And after you're finished giving in to all those negative emotions you're left with wondering what comes next. The real truth is, things are not bad forever.

I've had a lot of people tell me lately that no matter what is going on, just remember to breathe. Sometimes it is truly the only advice that works.

Pine River

Camping and canoeing on the Pine River, Labor Day weekend.

Thoughts on marriage

Don't freak out Mom.

Just kidding, she'd probably be semi-excited, but it's not quite like that.
I'm getting to that age in my life where people are starting to get hitched. Two of my great friends from college are getting married in less than a month. My high school best friend is living with her boyfriend and they have a cat...as you can see, things are getting pretty serious around here. This morning my friend Mike and I were chatting on and off while working (oh Gmail chat, you're dangerous) and got on the subject of getting married. I looked around the bakery I had posted up in and watched the older couples stroll in and out and my mind started to wander.

After he said "I think it's just time for us to have those thoughts" my tangent went as follows...

I go back and forth a lot. I think, if I'm being totally honest, I've got a bit more living to do before it's time to settle down. I guess though, I've never thought of marriage as this death sentence people seem to joke about. I always thought if I ever got married it wouldn't immediately be followed with the purchase of a house and a dog and a white picket fence. It just meant you found someone to adventure with. You didn't have to do things alone anymore, you had a partner in crime. I don't think you need to lose your friends or stop doing things you love. You just have someone who will always be your cheerleader, who will support you no matter what. Someone who will pack up the car and drive to Maine for a month because you've just always wanted to do that and money's not quite so tight right now. And maybe you put your other dreams on hold and have a ton of babies because you just want nothing more than to see them as a Dad. And maybe you don't because you decided to hike Australia for a few years instead. I think sharing the same beliefs and being in the "right" place in life matter some but I don't always think it's everything. I think it's the understanding that you don't ever want to live without them. You wish they were there even if they're just sitting in the other room while you're reading your book. It won't always be easy and it won't always be fun but that's the nature of life. Anyway, that's what I think, right now, at 23 years old. I can only hope someday someone will decide they want to do all those things with me too.

Mike then proceeded to tell me to stop being so mature. Maybe I should go shotgun a beer or buy a ridiculously expensive pair of impractical shoes.
Don't judge me future husband.

Happy Anniversary #1E

It's officially my one-year anniversary in apartment #1E

After work I took a few hours, made a cake, dark chocolate with salted buttercream, and reminisced about the last year of my life. When I moved into this apartment downtown I was just a few months out of school, ready for my first year in the "real world". I bought a new bed, a couch not on Craigslist, and learned to take care of a cat on my own. I started collecting quarters for laundry again, dealing with major construction on my block for half the year, and suddenly paying more bills than I ever thought I'd have. I learned to love the hot water heating system and the old windows, even the bat in the house became a funny story to tell. The walls finally have artwork on them, both ours and purchased or gifted treasures. We've cooked countless meals and had sleepovers with friends, all of us laying in the living room watching Harry Potter marathons on Sunday mornings after a long night out. The apartment saw pumpkin carvings and trick-or-treaters, my Grandma's Christmas tree, and a New Years Eve party. I was picked up on first dates here and shared tearful goodbyes right outside the back door. The nice thing is, I don't have to say goodbye to #1E as we intend to stay here a bit longer. Maybe we'll be celebrating our two-year anniversary in 12 months from now, maybe we'll be long gone, either way I'm excited for the many more memories to come.

Love, your happy tenants.

PS. We ate the cake with fresh strawberries. It was delicious.

Fun things lately.

I haven't been posting much due to a busy schedule (no excuses there I know) However, here's a few fun things that have made me happy lately.

 Girls only brunch, complete with build your own mimosas!

At home work days with my favorite studio-mate.

Polka dots on dreary days.

Visits from lovely friends.

Also...

Cooler weather which makes sleeping so much more comfy again.

Old movies on Netflix (I've watched Sabrina twice in the last month)

Big freelance projects finally going to print.

New glasses!

Gotta love the little things that get you through the busy weeks. 

Personal touches.

I have a tendency to still consider myself a bit of a nomad. The thought of signing a year lease for an apartment gives me mad anxiety. That being said, I've currently been in my apartment for close to a year and it's been great, nothing to have been so afraid of haha. Pictures have been hung, umpteen dinners have been cooked, and I don't have any for certain plans to leave in the near future. So with that, some days when I have a little free time it's nice to clean up the place and add a few personal treasures to my little home. Sometimes it's hard when you're always renting or living with roommates to make the spaces you occupy your own. But, it is nice sometimes when you can sit on your couch and look around and really feel at home :)

Here's a few little things that have made me smile lately.

Gnome salt and pepper shakers, finally unwrapped and in the kitchen.

Cards from friends who know me oh so well posted up on my desk.

A few prints I've needed to hang since my birthday, finally got up this weekend. 

My bedroom walls finally have some personality!

Some days

Some days you're just tired. No matter how much coffee you drink or how early you got to bed the night before. Some days you just stare into the abyss, you're thinking, processing, letting the super fast-moving world zoom by around you as you evaluate things in minute proportions. Some days you just need to call your Grandma. She'll scold you for still not getting an air conditioning unit and ask if you're eating enough. She'll tell you whatever you're doing at work is good and if it's not then maybe it's time for something new. Some days your cat just knows things are different. She'll purr and meow more than normal and you'll give her a little milk than usual as a treat because cats probably have weird days too. Some days you'll want to cry and people will wain on your patience and you'll forget that everyone has felt how you feel time and time before. You'll lie in bed cursing the 95 degree weather and hope that one 20-minute nap will negate the sleep in your eyes. You'll talk to old friends and feel better. You'll get some green tea at your favorite coffee shop and you'll feel better. Some days just require new nail polish, thai food, and exhausted tears. You'll lie on your back and stare at the ceiling and draw in your sketchbook and get overwhelmed thinking about the bills you haven't paid and the emails you haven't sent.

And then those "some days" turn into new days. And a thunderstorm finally rolls through, the weather doesn't feel so stifling. The new days bring more alertness, better moods, and leave you wondering why some days you felt so weird at all. And you forget those days that weren't the best because they're over, catalogued into the bank of the hundreds of good, bad, medium, weird-ish days in your lifetime. Some days you feel so much more human and real than others, you're reminded of pain and happiness all in one jumbled mix. And those days? Well they're good to have in that lifetime bank.