Stop trying to manage your practice.

Remember when I told myself this last summer? To stop thinking so much. Well, turns out close to a year later and I'm still having to force myself to pause and calm down. I don't quite mean in the busy sense, I'm always going to be busy I've accepted that is my personal nature. Unless I'm utterly exhausted or in the company of friends I don't like sitting idle 85% of the time. Though lately I have taken the time to understand that slowing down isn't a set back, rather a necessity. Taking the time to order one more round of beers while catching up with someone, or just sitting in that chair in your living room and finishing a book because 'cmon you only have 10 more pages to go...those are important as well.

I recently started practicing yoga, not as regularly as I would like due to that busy schedule I just mentioned, but still enough to start to really appreciate it. I took a new class this week that was mainly focused on breathing and meditation. It's tough for me to get out of my head sometimes, my mind seems to wander very easily and I have a tendency to daydream like no other, but I actually really enjoyed it. The one thing the instructor kept saying that really stuck with me was to "stop trying to manage your practice" and man, was she was right about that. I found myself in poses where I thought "if I have to sit like this for 5 more seconds I am going to collapse into a crumpled ball of nothingness onto this mat right here" however, eventually I realized I needed to listen to what she was trying to tell me. The more you thought about what you were doing the harder it was, you could actually concentrate too hard on it. If you just focused on your breathing you really could make your body do some amazing things, almost as second nature. Now, I'm not literally going to walk around all day paying attention to the breathe flowing in an out of my body, but when it clicked with me in that yoga studio it was an amazing thing to realize. Just, stop thinking about it.

I can't help but feel this idea is a recurring theme in my life lately, maybe someone is trying to tell me something. Almost a year out of college and wondering what I'm "doing" is this silly idea that I know I get hung up on a lot. It is in a way comforting knowing for a fact I'm not the only one. "What if this is the wrong decision? What do I do? Who am I?" These are questions that 20-somethings everywhere struggle with daily. Heck, these are questions that people, no matter their age, sex, geographical location, deal with every hour, every day, all over the world. Well the thing is, this is just life. You're going to wake up in the morning and have the day to do with it what you chose. And maybe some of us need to just stop thinking so much. Stop trying to manage your practice, and with that, stop trying to manage every single aspect of your life.

Someone I really care about recently just told me that nothing in life is certain. How many times has someone told you that? He's right though you know, nothing is. And yet, if you let that fear of uncertainty plague you, you'll asking yourself those decision-making questions until you're blue in the face and terrified to leave your apartment. I think for me it was time for that reminder, to stop thinking, to take a few more risks, to stop trying to make everything work out in this text book way. Life is uncertain, yes, but it is so much more wonderful that way.

Feeling sickly.

Being sick is never fun. And that's what I've been this week: sick.

I really don't like to complain or whine, or lie on the couch all day feeling sorry for myself but I'm not going to lie...that's basically all I've done since last Sunday. The sore throat, sneezing, phlegm everywhere, ugh..not to mention looking completely awful for days. I suppose I should chalk it up to the fact that getting sick is your body telling you to slow the heck down. Unfortunately, after just returning from a little 4 day vacation, now was really not the time to take a week off.

I think one thing that really bothers me is being sick makes me feel vulnerable. Lying in bed unable to sleep or breathe just makes you secretly wish someone will bring you soup, curl up next to you, and make it all go away. Obviously not something you can ask for and summon up out of nowhere. It's a reminder that sometimes you have to let people help you, something I'm not always good with. Sure, I have colleagues I can always seek out for opinions when it comes to my current design project or friends who will always listen to my relationship dilemmas (or lack thereof haha) But asking your roommate to make you tea, or telling your boss that yes you would rather her let you go home than stay and finish your shift can be difficult. It takes you admitting that you're in a weakened state, which I'll be the first to admit isn't always easy. However, I can recognize that admitting that sometimes you feel slightly knocked down is necessary to pick yourself back up again and just like everything else in life, sometimes you need to ask for help. I just feel lucky I have people who will answer the call.

Now just to get better...I don't know how much more couch time or bad television I can continue to watch!

Endings.

I don't write much in here, for a blog I suppose. I'm much more of a visual person so I usually prefer photographs and drawings, little hand written quotes or small snippets of thought. Although I must admit, some days are worth slowing down to write and read. Today should be spent running around town finally getting errands done seeing as I will have visitors in this weekend. However, Basis, where I am currently working as contracted designer, is done for the weekend while I wait for proofs back. The chocolate shop doesn't have me scheduled until this evening, and studio work has been in full swing all week. This allows me to not feel so guilty taking this morning off.

On that note...
There are certain days where I surprise myself; today was one of them. I woke up from a sleep filled with odd dreams after a conversation that left me uneasy before I went to bed. I decided instead of letting it fester all day I should just say something. I wrote a letter to this person. I didn't intend for it to be long (I wasn't even sure if I should send it) But it all came out, surprisingly just the way I wanted to say it. I get slack from a few people close to me for not being assertive enough, for not getting angry, for being too nice. Perhaps that's true but I try to not think of it in a negative way. Instead I remind myself that getting mad and yelling or saying something irrational probably won't make me feel better for much longer anyway. Things happen in life you don't expect but one thing every event has in common is that it can not be undone. So, no more what ifs.

I won't explain what was said in this post. It's personal and don't feel it's necessary for anyone else to read. However, I will say it ended with this:
Next time I do run into you I'm sure I'll smile, maybe give you a hug and we'll make small talk for a few minutes while we wait for beers or coffee, and it will be as if nothing happened. Or at least that's really all I can hope for.

That's it, the perfect ending to this story. Maybe they will never understand, or agree, to how I was feeling but that's just human nature. People come into your life for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes they won't always be in it for very long. You should always try and remember them for what they were and how they helped you grow. I rarely say exactly what I'm feeling but today I did, and it felt good. I can't help but feel like this is the start of a new chapter, and I couldn't be more excited.

Anxiety and today's cure.

Feeling anxious is the worst, it really is. I’d rather lie in bed all day feeling like I didn’t want to get out then this feeling of panic, pure panic over almost absolutely nothing. “There is nothing wrong with me, I’m fine,” and yet there is something stopping me from truly feeling ok. Talking doesn’t really seem to help because you can't really explain it. You don't feel sad or angry, it's a different feeling. Last night I arrived home from a perfectly wonderful day and despite being completely tired I had a nagging feeling like I couldn't go to bed. I needed to take a drive or do something.

I texted a friend but no response, which was no big deal I’m sure they were busy, it was a Saturday night after all. I certainly could have texted anyone else afterwards. I could have stayed and hung out with the five or so other friends in my house that night. And yet this particular person was the one I wanted to see. I just wanted to say “I know this isn’t your job anymore, to take care of me. And I know I’m fine and I really don’t want to talk about it. I don't care to investigate why and how how I’m feeling. But for a while you used to be my best friend and I just need you right now.” And now typing this out I start to cry realizing that I might not have that whenever I need it anymore. It’s funny, when you meet someone who almost always seems to keep you calm. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because I am truly blessed, I really am. I have so many people in my life who would do anything for me. Yet this one person somehow always had to ability to make everything go away by just being around.

It is in these moments you realize someone else might not always be there, not 100% of the time. Some things you must learn to deal with on your own. I came to a hard realization yesterday as I shared in a conversation with a few people that I have a lot more growing to do still. We all have self-destructive habits and regrets in life, now is the time where we learn to move forward instead of making the same mistakes. It’s easy to have those “I don’t know where to go from here” moments, and in this moment right now, something is stopping me from being perfectly happy sitting at home on a Sunday enjoying breakfast, the book I’m reading, and the company of my cat. All I know is I’ve experienced the panic attacks and the dread that comes with anxiety and it’s a terrible feeling for anyone to have to endure.

*Four hours later

Instead of immediately publishing the post after typing all that. I saved it, where a few other posts I’ve written go that I don’t really feel comfortable with anyone ever reading. I lied in bed for the remainder of the morning when finally enough was enough. I realized I wasn’t going to miraculously feel better and got up and went for a run. Health-wise this may have not been the smartest of decisions considering it’s about 90 degrees outside and I haven’t been running in a while. I went anyway and pushed it pretty hard. I got to the river after running in an almost full-out sprint and decided to walk along the water for a while to catch my breath. I caught myself fighting back tears realizing I took my frustration out on the pavement and wondering why I don’t do this more often. The minute I stopped running the pit of my stomach ached as the feeling I might vomit took over. Everything hurt all of the sudden and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. But it was a good feeling at the same time, the feeling that you pushed your body to the brink of its breaking point. Truthfully I know I could have run much farther, much faster, and been completely fine, but in the moment it doesn’t always feel like that. I walked along the water until it cut off the sidewalk, sneaking up over the rocks due to this past week’s heavy rainfalls. I sat down and I realized I felt better, better about everything. I knew I was going to cool down for a second, stand up, and run home. The day was just like any other, filled with its ups and downs, and the anxious feelings were gone.

It’s funny how sometimes, if you allow yourself to walk away for a second, you realize everything will be just fine all on your own.

One year later.

It's been one year since I went to Ireland. One year since I got on a plane and left everything familiar and easy. It was the summer following the worst year of my life. After losing my Dad, my junior review, dealing with a break-up (one that didn't end particularly well to say the least) This was something I've always wanted to do and yet, a small part of me couldn't help but be reminded by that nagging feeling beneath it all that I was just running away from everything. Running from school work, Grand Rapids, Downriver, and America entirely.

That last statement perhaps makes it seem like I wasn't super excited, because trust me I was. I could not wait, my friend Mike and I were all smiles and upon meeting everyone else in our group it only got better and better.

Mike and I in one of the national parks.

Once I got there, I experienced the crazy mix of old and new that, in a way, reminded me of myself. The buildings and the city, somehow mixed traditions with the technologies of today , it was perfect. On this trip I met some of the most amazing people, it reminded me just how many people there are in the world. Reinforced the idea that no matter where I end up, I will most likely always be able to meet people I can consider family.

The whole AHA Study Abroad Group

This trip taught me to branch out of my comfort zone. I started to enjoy walks home by myself, stopping to get a Pain Au Chocolate and bitterly strong coffee with The Smiths blaring through my headphones. I learned to open up and talk about my Dad, I met friends who reminded me constantly that I was an awesome person and deserved the best. Of course I learned about an awesome country, got to see the country and the city. Watched some amazing films and read about the legends and heros of old Ireland. The trip taught me to slow down, we as Americans don't think about that sometimes. We live in a society that wakes up, runs around like mad until we pass out at night. We barely sit and talk to each other anymore, much less have a meal and share stories of our day. I was told to unplug. *For the record, I also went out, watched futbol games, danced in the street to traditional music, drank beers on the pier, there was no lapse in busy nights that's for sure.

The gang in Dublin.

Now it's been a year later. I've managed to graduate with a BFA from Grand Valley. I ran my school's AIGA Student Chapter, made numerous projects out of cupcakes, joint-curated a poster show, and survived (barely) my Senior Thesis project. I made (and lost, as life will always have downs to manage the ups) new friends. Now, as I sit in a coffee shop in downtown Grand Rapids with the rain coming down outside, as it has so often lately it seems, I'm thinking about last summer's big adventure. The question I seem to ask myself frequently these days is, what comes next? Now with college over and numerous applications out in the graphic design universe, it's hard to see the horizon. I find myself getting discouraged quickly. Graduation brought with it a lot of concerns. Where should I live? How do I pay for rent? What if I can't find a job? I think the thing I always have to remember is that you can never let yourself stop attempting to do the things you love. If you want to go somewhere, do it, figure the details out later. You're only young once. (Easier said than done it seems) What I must do is look back on my last big adventure with fond memories, but always be looking forward to the exciting thing to come.

To the little land of green: I miss you, thanks for everything.
In good reminiscing fashion, here's some of my favorite Ireland posts!
First day/night in Dun Laoghaire a Trip with the whole group to Connemara
A lot of good food from the World Cultures Festival and drinks from the Guinness factory.
Oh! and can't forget about my London weekend with Mike! We apparently learned we didn't need sleep.
Lastly, a post about small reminders and goodbyes.

Slainte!