Sunday, July 31, 2011

Anxiety and today's cure.

Feeling anxious is the worst, it really is. I’d rather lie in bed all day feeling like I didn’t want to get out then this feeling of panic, pure panic over almost absolutely nothing. “There is nothing wrong with me, I’m fine,” and yet there is something stopping me from truly feeling ok. Talking doesn’t really seem to help because you can't really explain it. You don't feel sad or angry, it's a different feeling. Last night I arrived home from a perfectly wonderful day and despite being completely tired I had a nagging feeling like I couldn't go to bed. I needed to take a drive or do something.

I texted a friend but no response, which was no big deal I’m sure they were busy, it was a Saturday night after all. I certainly could have texted anyone else afterwards. I could have stayed and hung out with the five or so other friends in my house that night. And yet this particular person was the one I wanted to see. I just wanted to say “I know this isn’t your job anymore, to take care of me. And I know I’m fine and I really don’t want to talk about it. I don't care to investigate why and how how I’m feeling. But for a while you used to be my best friend and I just need you right now.” And now typing this out I start to cry realizing that I might not have that whenever I need it anymore. It’s funny, when you meet someone who almost always seems to keep you calm. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because I am truly blessed, I really am. I have so many people in my life who would do anything for me. Yet this one person somehow always had to ability to make everything go away by just being around.

It is in these moments you realize someone else might not always be there, not 100% of the time. Some things you must learn to deal with on your own. I came to a hard realization yesterday as I shared in a conversation with a few people that I have a lot more growing to do still. We all have self-destructive habits and regrets in life, now is the time where we learn to move forward instead of making the same mistakes. It’s easy to have those “I don’t know where to go from here” moments, and in this moment right now, something is stopping me from being perfectly happy sitting at home on a Sunday enjoying breakfast, the book I’m reading, and the company of my cat. All I know is I’ve experienced the panic attacks and the dread that comes with anxiety and it’s a terrible feeling for anyone to have to endure.

*Four hours later

Instead of immediately publishing the post after typing all that. I saved it, where a few other posts I’ve written go that I don’t really feel comfortable with anyone ever reading. I lied in bed for the remainder of the morning when finally enough was enough. I realized I wasn’t going to miraculously feel better and got up and went for a run. Health-wise this may have not been the smartest of decisions considering it’s about 90 degrees outside and I haven’t been running in a while. I went anyway and pushed it pretty hard. I got to the river after running in an almost full-out sprint and decided to walk along the water for a while to catch my breath. I caught myself fighting back tears realizing I took my frustration out on the pavement and wondering why I don’t do this more often. The minute I stopped running the pit of my stomach ached as the feeling I might vomit took over. Everything hurt all of the sudden and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. But it was a good feeling at the same time, the feeling that you pushed your body to the brink of its breaking point. Truthfully I know I could have run much farther, much faster, and been completely fine, but in the moment it doesn’t always feel like that. I walked along the water until it cut off the sidewalk, sneaking up over the rocks due to this past week’s heavy rainfalls. I sat down and I realized I felt better, better about everything. I knew I was going to cool down for a second, stand up, and run home. The day was just like any other, filled with its ups and downs, and the anxious feelings were gone.

It’s funny how sometimes, if you allow yourself to walk away for a second, you realize everything will be just fine all on your own.

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