Last night I couldn't sleep.
Too many thoughts raced through my head, and yet I was too tired to write them all down. It was as if I just wanted a tape recorder inside my brain. I wanted to go back and replay the conversations I was having with myself, I wanted to re-watch my thoughts, analyze them when I was feeling well-rested and more sane.
What got to me honestly was, of all things, an episode of Glee. Now, I had never watched the show until last week when I was sick and wound up watching a mini marathon on tv in the middle of the day. It sparked my interest and I figured why not give it a shot. Both the first and second season are on Netflix so I started watching, mainly an episode here and there before I go to sleep or while I'm working on various projects. Now, like every good family sitcom out there, most episodes end with some sort of moral or life lesson learned (in this case all wrapped up in some sort of catchy musical number). The kids in the show experience it all, teen pregnancy, bullying, sexual orientation, family drama, love, and loss. This episode in particular was all about the concept behind spirituality, a touchy subject for most people.
The reason this story line intrigued me in the way that it did was a lot due to the fact that Kurt's dad had a sudden heart attack. *Spoiler alert: Throughout the entire episode the other kid's reached out to him through prayer and religious song based on their various beliefs. The dilemma was, he didn't want them to. He spoke out in saying that he didn't believe in a God. How could there be a God who would intentionally make him gay and then make others hate him so much for it. How could there be a God that would do this to his father? It makes you wonder, how could there be a God when so many people are suffering in this world? It's interesting because I know that feeling. When my Dad died I got angry. I didn't understand. It wasn't far. Any sort of faith I had inside me was gone. When it came to a higher power, I felt empty and alone.
I see things a little differently now. I'm not sure when my hatred and anger started to fade but I know it's partly due to the people in my life who cared enough to let me know they were thinking of me. They cared about me. They were praying for me. And it didn't matter who or what they were praying to, the fact was they had enough love in their hearts to take time out of their day to send something out there into the universe for me.
As someone who has never been affiliated with any sort of organized religion I can't tell you what's really out there, who made us, why we are here. I have absolutely no idea, it's something I can't even fathom. In truth I'm not sure I would want all the answers to all the questions. But, I do know that over time I learned to believe in something again. I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that something happens to us after we are gone. Call it what you will but I believe in the power of positive thinking and the fact that sometimes you can sense something before it actually happens.
Last night I lied awake pondering all of this. At 1 o'clock on a Thursday morning I wanted to call up all my friends and family and ask if they believed in God. I wanted to know what they thought. I wanted to hear everyone's different opinions. I sit right now in my favorite coffee shop, in the corner on the opposite side of the door, away from all the other tables. And I watch everyone else. Do they ever ponder what they're doing, why they're here? Is anyone else thinking about this stuff too? I wonder who else has had their faith shaken and if any have gotten it back. We are all human, we all have different views on life, and I for one try to never judge another's views on this or any subject. But they certainly are interesting to hear about, especially so if they are just as interested in hearing (and accepting) yours.
This is a fairly open and honest entry, not one I care if many others read, rather one I use to sort out my thoughts. I hope if I do have any readers that no one is offended by what I have to say. This blog is a way for me to document life's little in-betweens and sleepless thought-filled nights are definitely a part of life. I chalk it up to one day closer to figuring out just who I am, a young person who is forever growing. Alright enough of the hard-hitting stuff. My next post is going to have to consist of rainbows and unicorns to make up for the seriousness of this one!