Oh twenty three.

It's 7 am the morning after my 23rd birthday. It's funny that I'm awake so early, considering I fell asleep only 6 hours ago. Though I'm not complaining, I love waking up early without an alarm, the day feels like it has so many unlimited possibilities that way. Yesterday however, I didn't quite feel the same. I woke up excited, woohoo today was my day, my day to get to do whatever I wanted! Though I never try to make a big deal out of my birthday it's still fun to enjoy a day where any decisions you make can be slightly swayed toward over indulgence. However, as the day continued something seemed off. Last year, though still not happy to get older, I felt on top of the world. I had just graduated college, summer was here, I was finally living in a city, I had the whole day to run around and feel young and stupid just a little longer. This year the day felt exhausting, I wanted to just go back to bed and hide. I wanted to shut out this idea of getting older. I didn't want a day to feel selfish, I didn't want to celebrate me. And why was that? I'm sitting here wondering even now why I let the negative thoughts fill my head.

Now looking back on it I feel more selfish than I would have had I just been happy. I cried about things that were out of my control. I felt like I wasn't thankful enough for the people who tried so hard to make my day so wonderful for me. And they did, oh they succeeded! I was serenaded on the street to one of my favorite Beatles songs, ate an amazing dinner (with dessert!) and had cupcakes and singing. I got to enjoy a night that was 70 degrees and sunny, outside, on an upstairs deck, in a pretty new dress. I got to see my wonderful friends who I haven't seen in months and get showered with love just because I had been born. In fact typing this right now just makes me tear up because I realize just how lucky I am.

A few of my favorite Instagram moments.

In the last year a lot of growing has happened in my life. I may be in the same place in a lot of ways but who I am as a person and my understanding of that person has come leaps and bounds. Perhaps that's why yesterday was hard. It's hard realizing I'm not exactly the same as I was a year ago, much less two or five. But with that there is the idea that I am growing into the person I am and if so many other people love that person than she must be worth loving. With all my flaws and wonderful qualities. All my passion and drive, and all my insecurities and doubt. They're all a part of what makes me the only person I'll ever be, myself.
So here is a post to me, 23-year-old me!

Go have fun! Go enjoy the summer! Paint more, draw more, worry less. Sleep in sometimes. Shut off your phone on a Sunday morning. Eat breakfast in bed. Finally watch Madmen. Go get your dream job, or get one step closer to attaining it. Travel to a new city or a new state or a new country. Give more hugs. Let less people hurt you. Take more photos, start filming things! Realize, for the millionth time, it's OK to cry. Start running again. Go dancing if you want to. Go home early and read on the couch for hours. Realize that there is no picture perfect life, there is no prescription, this is what you make it. And you only have one.

 

So enjoy it you ridiculous, beautiful, 23-year-old you.

With that being said. Re-read this when you're almost 24...
Goals for next year's birthday:
-Don't be late for your own party.
-Put on your fun birthday dress earlier, who says you don't get to be fancy all day.
-Don't cry about getting older, its one of the only things in life that is constantly happening and that we have absolutely no control over.
-If you've met a great guy who wants to take you out to dinner and hold your hand and be the one who gets to sit there at your birthday party with you, let him. Don't over think everything, don't wonder why you don't deserve this and therefore wind up acting like a crazy girl, because you do.
-And for crying out loud, stop biting your damn nails, seriously.